Finding my way back to myself.

selfie - May 21, 2020

Hi. I’m still here. I nail it with daily social media interaction (primarily on Facebook, Instagram, and somewhat on Twitter), but I’ve become a terrible blogger.

You know what? I truly think I have forgotten how to blog! After so many years (nearly two decades!) of doing it, just three short years have completely wiped out my abilities. Or so it seems. In truth, I know it’s a combination of stress and the everyday chaos of life, plus being out of practice, that is hindering me. And also, those three “short” years? They were incredibly long when I lived through barely survived them.

And then there’s the depression. I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought I was handling it. But I was so, so wrong! It was when I had a complete breakdown with a fill-in doctor whom I had met approximately five minutes prior to me bursting into chest-heaving sobs that I knew I needed outside help. I am struggling with severe depression. Did you know that passive suicidal ideation (here’s another article that does a great job of defining it from Thrive Global: The Definition of Passive Suicidal Ideation) is a real thing? I didn’t. I simply coined how I felt as “wishing I could stop existing”. But that was it. I didn’t have a plan. I still don’t. Outside of two attempts I was hospitalized for three weeks during the autumn of 2018 for, I did not have a plan nor make any additional attempts. All I know is this: I wake up and immediately count how many hours I have to stay conscious before I can retreat to my bed and drug-induced (prescribed and OTC) slumber. I try to exist in a conscious state for as little time as possible. Most days I find myself wishing I would fall asleep and never wake up.

I need help, because I can’t do it on my own. And I’m getting it! Prior to the COVID-19 quarantine/lockdown/shelter-in-place/stay-at-home pandemic, I was seeing two therapists a week: Victor, for drug and alcohol counseling; and Marcus, for intensive outpatient counseling. But then everything ground to a halt, and I immediately lost that crucial support.

But I have a plan, and I’m seeing it through:

  • I see my PCP’s resident every two weeks for my Suboxone prescription (for both MAT and management of the never-ending, gradually-worsening chronic pain in my lumbar spine and abdomen/pelvic cavities). While I’m there she gives me a mini-counseling session.
  • Weekly video conferencing appointments with my IOP counselor, Marcus.
  • Weekly parenting counseling with a YWCA paraeducator.
  • A new addition to my medication regimen: Cymbalta, an SNRI anti-depressant (bonus: it also helps to alleviate nerve pain!)
  • And most importantly: a better mindset.

Old Jenn would shrug it off, square her shoulders, and bulldoze forward, determined to do it alone – if she even acknowledged her weakness and vulnerability at all.
But New Jenn realizes that, for the really important matters in life, you can’t go it alone – you need a support system comprised of people and tools.

My head is barely above water, but I can see the shoreline. I just have to keep at it. And that is exactly what I am doing, grueling and painful as the process may be. I have my family to think of, and I’m determined to continue healing myself so I can be a better me for me, and for Daniel, Alyssa, and Ryan. ♥

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30-something married, babied, crazy cat lady, adult college student chick | blog:

2 thoughts on “Finding my way back to myself.”

  1. I really hope the counseling and Cymbalta help you. I’ve found they have both made a huge difference for me, both for chronic pain and depression and anxiety as well. I’ve heard of suicidal ideation but not really passive suicidal ideation. I would say I was right about there myself just a few months ago. I just wished that I would stop existing. That something would happen to me. However I had no actual plans. I didn’t want to take my life. I just didn’t want to live it. I went to the ER with my husband after I told him I needed help. They put me on Cymbalta and got me into see a psychologist and I am starting to see things getting better. I really hope that this is what happens for you too. Your not alone <3

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